Title: Spontaneous Combustion Anonymous

Created: 6/23/95

(The scene opens on 5 people sitting in a semimcircle. Each chair has a fire extinguisher attached to the back of it. All of the participants have name tags on. In the center is the "sponsor" with a clipboard.)

Sponsor: O.K. First of all, lets take care of some business concerning the group. As you probably have noticed, we seem to be a couple of members short. Tom and Kim won't be joining us anymore, unfortunately. But, we have some one new today. So let's welcome our newest member. Jane, would you like to stand up and address the rest of the group?

Jane: Uh, hello. My name is Jane, and I'm combustable.

Group: Hi, Jane.

Jane: Uh, Hi. Well, I'm a little nervous about this. I'm really here at the coaxing of my husband. You see I thought that this was something I could control, granted I had a glass of water within arm's reach. But my husband, Ken began to notice things in the house that I thought I had hidden better. I told him that the burn marks on the furniture were from my smoking. The problem is, that I don't actually smoke. So I had to start smoking, to cover. He began to get suspicious last summer when he went into the house to get some matches for the barbeque and it was already lit when he got back. The last straw was the other night when we were watching TV and our cat, Pooter, was on the couch. I was petting her and suddenly she just burst into flames. I don't think we'll ever get the smell out of the house. Plus, we had to buy a new couch that we had treated to be flame retardant.

Sponsor: Well, that's quite a story. Would anyone else like to add anything?

Joe: Hi I'm Joe. And I'm combustable.

Group: Hi, Joe.

Joe: I had similar problems trying to keep this from my parents when I was growing up. They thought I was a pyromaniac. they kept finding charred remains of all sorts of things in my room. My teachers were getting a little tired of the old "My homework burned up" excuse. My mother sent me to a psychiatrist, but there was little he could do for me. I can't see him anymore since I accidently set his couch ablaze while he was talking on the phone.

Robert: Oh, please. Is that all? Have you ever been in the middle of a club when it happened? I was. It was quarter shot night at "Boy's Town" and the place was packed to the rafters, when all of the sudden, the whole place went up like a tacky drag queen's wig!

Karen: Well cry me a river "girlfriend". You think that's bad...?

Chuck: Uh, Hi. sorry I'm late. (noticing the fire extinguishers attached to the chairs) Wow. You guys are serious !

Karen: As I was saying, my reputation is shot to hell. All of my neighbors are convinced that I'm screwing the fire department.

Robert: Mmm Hmm. What a surprise. I'm sure that's never happened before.

Karen: Just what the hell is that supposed to mean?

Robert: Well, to hear you go on about your social life, you've had more men than I have.

Joe: Could we not do this today? We have two new people here.

Karen: Shut up, Mama's boy!

Robert: Well don't take it out on him.

Karen: Oh, are you after him now?

Sponsor: Robert, Karen. That's enough.

Robert: It's all right. I can take care of myself. I'm a big boy.

Karen: That's not what I heard.

Robert: I need some air. Would you all excuse me for a minute? I'll be right back.

(Robert exits. Suddenly there is a flash from the exit he just went through and a scream. Then a puff of smoke. The sponsor jumps up and runs off stage with a fire extinguisher. She comes back in dejectedly.)

Sponsor: We uh, seem to have lost another member.

Karen: And then there were four...

Sponsor: Um, did you want to continue Karen, or are you done?

Karen: As I was saying, aside from practically burning the house down on a regular basis, I'm a nervous wreck since I quit smoking !

Chuck: I know exactly what you mean.

Sponsor: Would you like to add something...um...?

Chuck: Oh, sorry. I'm Chuck.

Sponsor: O.K. Chuck, why don't you tell us why you're here today.

Chuck: I'm here because of girlfriend. She's tired of the smell of smoke on everything. But the thing is, I get so stressed out sometimes I can't help what happens. Plus, my doctor says it's bad for my health.

Karen: Yeah, I guess you could say that.

Sponsor: Well, we're here for you; to offer support and understanding.

Joe: But you can't make it go away. It's something we have to cope with on a daily basis.

Chuck: Yeah. I'm just about at the end of my rope now. I mean my stress levels are so high, I can't even concentrate at work. And I work in a smoke-free building.

Karen: Smoke-free building. That's a good one.

Chuck: I'm not making jokes. Look at me, I'm a nervous wreck. I just can't function like this...Aw, to hell with it.

Sponsor: Um...that will be all for today.

Chuck: And I thought I wasn't coping well. Whatever.

(He shrugs, leans back in his chair and continues smoking.)