Created: 6/26/96

Roger: Hello, I'm Roger Grimm and welcome to This Is Your Life. Tonight we're continuing in our series of shows featuring your favorite fairy tales. Until now, you thought you knew the whole story. Well, it's not always happily ever after as you'll soon see. OK, let's bring out tonight's guest. Please welcome...Cinderella. (Cinderella comes out, quite nervous) Hi Cindy. May I call you Cindy?

Cinderella: Um, sure I guess. (she sits)

Roger: So, Cindy. You don't have any idea why you're here, do you?

Cinderella: No, not really.

Roger: Well, tonight, Cinderella...This Is Your Life !

Cinderella: Ohmigawd!

Roger: So let's bring out our first guest. Do you remember this voice?

F.G.: [voice over] Just remember, you must be home by midnight.

Roger: Put your hands together for Cinderella's Fairy Godmother. (Fairy Godmother comes out coughing...she looks like 10 miles of bad road.) Hello.

F.G.: (between bouts of coughing) Hi.

Roger: So tell us about that fateful night.

F.G.: Well, first of all let me tell you this: being a Fairy Godmother ain't all it's cracked up to be. I mean the constant whining and sob stories I have to listen to. You think I could ever get a day off ? Ha! Fat chance! Do you have any idea how much effort it takes to change a pumpkin into a coach? I was in bed for three days afterwards.

Roger: ...and the mice...?

F.G.: Oh God! Those mice! Jesus! I'm surprised I was even able to pull that one off!

Roger: So let's bring out the mice, shall we? (two mice come out, wearing dark glasses)

Cinderella: Oh, it's the mice! How are you?

Mouse 1: Who's that?

Cinderella: It's me, Cinderella.

Mouse 2: Oh, no! What's wrong? Car break down, Busses not running? Couldn't get a cab? Haven't you put us through enough?

F.G.: What happened to the other two?

Mouse 1: Well, one of them is in therapy, the other had an unfortunate incident with the farmer's wife.

Mouse 2: Yeah, we barely made it out with our tails intact.

Cinderella: Oh you poor things. Are you...blind too?

Mouse 1: How nice of you to notice...not that you'd care, but we were in a production of Equus...

Mouse 2:        ...damn Method actors!

Cinderella: Oh, how sad. I'm so sorry.

Roger: All right, fine, let's move on shall we?

Mouse 1: Next time you want to go somewhere, call Pinky and The Brain.

Mouse 2: (to F.G.) And you'll be hearing from the S.P.C.A.

F.G.: Whatever.

Roger: So tell me, Cindy, have you heard from your stepmother lately?

Cinderella: Now that you mention it, no. Is she here too?

Roger: No, but we do have her on the phone. She's calling us from the Betty Ford Clinic. Hello, how's it going ?

Stepmother: [voice-over] Hello Roger. Is Cinderella there ?

Cinderella: Yes, I'm here. How are you feeling ?

Stepmother: Oh, I'm just fine... How do you think I am? I'm in Hell ! I'm in rehab for God's sakes!

Cinderella: Well...how are my step-sisters ?

Stepmother: THEY'RE DEAD! (Cinderella is shocked, stepmother laughs) No, I'm only kidding. But they might as well be. They joined some religious cult and headed for Waco. I haven’t seen them since.

Cinderella: Oh, my goodness.

Stepmother: They never got over the trauma of those enormous feet they had. After that glass slipper incident, they just went right over the edge. Well, I've gotta go now. It's time for my medication. Oh, is your Fairy Godmother there?

Cinderella: Yes, she is.

F.G.: Whaddaya want?

Stepmother: You're still gonna spring me at midnight tonight, right?

F.G.: Oh...yeah...sure...whatever.

Roger: All right. Well, that was fun. So Cindy, I understand that your life has changed quite a bit since that fateful night.

Cinderella: Well, things seemed to be fine for a while, but over the years, Charming has started to become more and more distant. He started coming home late...night after night after night...

Roger: Yes, I heard. Nothing to do except wander aimlessly around the castle, nothing on TV, servants taking care of all the chores you used to do, etc., etc.

Cinderella: I suppose I could take up a hobby of some kind...

F.G.: Whine, whine, whine. Oh, for Chrissakes! You live in a castle, for cryin' out loud ! You're rich ! Whaddaya want? Happily ever after ? Hello! Reality check! It doesn't happen that way! (Cinderella is weeping at this point) Whaddaya think, glass slippers grow on trees? A fortune pissed away!

Roger: OK, OK. That's enough.

Cinderella: Why are you being so mean to me?

F.G.: I'm just tryin' to toughen you up for the real world. Where do you think you are, Disneyland?

Roger: And on that note, let's bring out our final guest.

F.G.: Oh, I can't wait...

Roger: Do you remember this voice?

Charming: [voice over] I'm looking for the foot that fits this slipper.

Roger: That's right, it's your husband! Come on out! (Prince Charming enters, sits) Prince. How are you?

Charming: Please, call me Charming. (big cheesy grin) Hello sweetheart, how have you been?

Cinderella: How have I been? What have you been doing all these nights? You haven't been seeing any one else have you?

Charming: (sarcastic) Oh, right. I've been shtupping your Fairy Godmother.

F.G.: Ooooh. I wish!

Cinderella: (to F.G.) I've had just about enough out of you!

F.G.: Hey watch it little missy, or I'll turn you into Rush Limbaugh's seat cushion.

Cinderella: (dismissing her) So? Where have you been every night?

Charming: Well, it's kind of complicated...

Roger: Would you like a hint? (to offstage) O.K. Bob, bring it out. (Bob brings out an evening gown) Thanks.

Cinderella: That's the gown I wore to the ball. I was wondering what happened to it. Where did you find it?

Roger: In his dressing room, back stage at the Miranda club where he performs nightly.

Cinderella: Oh...My...God ! I don't believe it. (Roger shows her a picture of Charming in drag, she screams. Roger shows the audience) How could you?! What will the neighbors think? (F.G. starts laughing)

Charming: What neighbors? We live in a castle! Our nearest neighbor is five miles away.

Cinderella: Don't question me! I'm hysterical! What about the shoes?

Charming: They broke.

Cinderella: They broke?

Charming: Well shattered. They're made of glass. They weren't exactly made for dancing you know. (they continue to argue as Roger closes the show)

Roger: Well that's all the time we have for now, join us next time for our special Fairy Tale edition of This Is Your Life. Goodnight. (Roger and F.G. chat as the lights fade)